Jokes

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples,

"Only take one. God is watching."

Further down the line is a pile of cookies.

A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

What do you call an undercover priest?

A blessing in disguise

My friend was crying because he couldn't fit under the fence

So I told him to stop crying and get over it

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?

He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can't stop as fast.

How did Scrooge score the winner in the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

X-mas jokes here

How is Santa like a lobster?
He's got Claus!

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle!