Jokes

Good deed done today This morning i popped into Asda and I was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive and i thought...well it's xmas after all.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves .

Fella sat next to me on the bus yesterday. He said "My Missus is lovely mate.. Look.. Here's a picture"

I took a look and said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see mine mate"

"Why," he asked, "Is she a stunner"

"No," I said, "She's an optician"

I just bought a radio from an advert that said “radio for sale, £5, volume stuck on full”

I thought “I can’t turn that down”.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I became addicted to sex, would it be right to say my addiction got out of hand?

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, "I want to be President one day."

Trump says, "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

The kid replies, "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

A man is like a snowstorm.

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.