Jokes

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilets were out of action, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Seen on a front of a record shop BACH IN A MINUET, GONE CHOPIN!

Teacher to child
"Today we are going to have a test on the R.E we know so far, so what happened to Lot's wife?"
Child to teacher
"Please sir! She turned into a pillock of salt!"

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned £20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!"

Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed," she replied.

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion.”

A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?"

Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I was friends with a wasp for quite a while until we had an argument and went our separate ways.

Not gonna lie it stung

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that ... I thought you were sitting on the cat.