Jokes

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

a man goes to spain and attends a bullfight.afterwards,he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the speciality of the day.the waiter brings him two very big balls on a plate.which the man eats with relish.the next say,he goes to the same restaurant and orders the days specialiality.again,he is given two very big balls on a plate.they taste even better than the day before.this happens twice more but on the fifth day they bring him two very small balls,the man asks"what gives" the waiter says" sir,the bullfighter doesnt allways win"

a woman is given a hospital tour.as she looks into a room shes horrified to see a man wanking,"what the hells going on there?" she asks.the doc explains"he has an incurable condition.his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to masturbate 5 or 6 times a day or he would be in terrible pain" the woman says"poor man"but when she gets to the next room she sees a nurse on her knees giving a patient a blowjob."how do you explain that then doctor?"she asks."same condition,but he,s with bupa"the doc replies.

I am a disabled man in a wheelchair, and i have a large fetish for porno magazines. Its very embarrassing i know, i'm not even sure what the most embarrassing part of it is, paying for the magazine at the counter, or having to ask other customer to get "Barely Legal" down from the top shelf.

I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm.
One girl asked "why doesn't it taste sweet then"?
When she realised what she said her face went bright red.
Then the teacher said,"because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat".
The girl started crying and left class

A few Tommy Cooperisms.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

A few more.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z.

wait......

shit

they say being a hostage is difficult.but i could do it with my hands tied behind my back

is it fair to say there would be less litter about if blind people were given pointed sticks

hope this doesnt offend anyone.i just read it in a mag,lol