Jokes

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of £20 costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Where's Donald Trump's favorite place to shop?
Wall-mart!

I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no. I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”

I got fired at work today. My boss said my communication skills were awful.I didn"t know what to say to that.

I'm in hospital!

Dont Panic! I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!

Doctors reckon I'll be out in the Spring.

Friends are hosting a joint Chinese New Year and Burns Night party. I wasn’t keen but they twisted my arm..

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat.

In the end, he came around.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked if we know any french.

I had a brainwave while internet surfing...

Please keep an eye out for elderly neighbours during this cold snap...

They'll try to corner you to talk about the weather for hours if you're not careful.