Jokes

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A young man who loved attention grew a huge Afro hairstyle and colored it in waves of blue, green, yellow and red. One day he was sitting next to an old man on a park bench.

The old man stared at the young man.

"What's the matter, you old coot?" said the obnoxious young man. "Never did anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replied: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

3 dogs walk into a bar..

The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!"

The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.

15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?".

The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.

15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?"

"No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Did you hear about the circumcisionist with the shaky hand? He got the sack.

If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle jack off a horse?

Reflecting back to my early childhood I remember when I was about 4 or 5 & I was sitting there staring at my baby sister & out of curiosity I turned round to my mum & said "mum,where do babies come from?".Looking a little flustered my mum said "Darling, they come the stork" to which I replied "who fucks a stork then mum?".

An 85 year old fella was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

The wife's sister knocked me out earlier..

I was so fucking angry.

What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?