Jokes

I found my old Ouija board and asked my mate if we should have a go.

"No way, that's some dark stuff." he said.

"Go on, what's the harm?" I replied.

So we started...

W-E-H-A-

"Let's stop," my mate said "this is freaky."

"Nah, let's carry on." I replied.

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"I'm getting scared now." my mate croaked.

"We should see what it has to say" I said.

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-S-E-T-T-I-N-G-S

What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one
Anna two

The drummer father was very rich and famous. When he died, he left his fortune to them both but the eldest tricked the youngest out of her share. What a snake. Anna conned her.

Geordie pulls a slag up from Lancashire on a hen night down the big market one sarada neet. taks hor back to his kip, and pulls his kegs doon

'ey up fella, thats a big'un' she says

'whats a big'un'??'' he asks..

'you know, a large cock' she says

'oh, aye' he says. she then pulls her knickers off

'fuckin hell, thats a canny'un' he says

'whats a canny'un'?? she asks

'ya knar, what cowboys ride through'

A woman from Texas was this week caught stealing a bible from Walmart.When apprehended by security she was told ''You shouldnt steal'' to which she quickly responded by putting her hands over ears and shouting ''LA LA LA CANT HEAR YOU....NO SPOILERS....CANT HEAR YOU''

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.

(13-01-2019 23:36 )Carl_HoneyLover Wrote:  You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.

There is a disease going around the world that is turning people into cooking pots.

They’re calling it a pandemic.

A truck full of incontinence pants has shed its load on the M62.

Police are warning of delays due to hundreds of rubberknickers.

A truck containing a shipment of Roget’s Thesaurus has crashed on the M6.

Onlookers were said to be stunned;amazed;flabbergasted