Jokes

What do you call a man at an abortion clinic? Relieved

I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to

What do you call a bag of fannies?

Clitorish Allsorts.

My mate bet me £100 that I couldn’t do a butterfly impression.....

I thought ‘that’s worth a little flutter’...

As my sperm dripped down my wife’s chin, I looked her in the eyes and asked “Do you like that?”

“No” she replied, “what the fuck is in this sandwich?”

I was already having a shitty day when I discovered that someone had torn a handful of pages from out of both ends of my new dictionary. Now it just goes from bad to worse.

I phoned my local Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round...

“Of course” they said, “we’ve got loads of them”.

A fella buys a Cockney parrot but gets sick and tired of it saying “I’m from London and I’m hard as fuck”, so he puts a kestrel in its cage.

The next morning he comes downstairs to find the kestrel dead, and the parrot saying “I’m from London and I’m hard as fuck”.

So the fella puts a Golden Eagle into the cage.

The next morning the fella comes downstairs to find that the Golden Eagle is dead, and the parrot has no feathers.

As he looks in the cage, the parrot says “Had to take me coat off for that fucker”.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

My mate Dave was addicted to Cough Drops.

He ended up in a Menthol Institution!