Jokes

A Roman walks into a bar.

He sticks two fingers up and says “five beers please”.

I met a man who can’t pronounce the sounds for F or TH.

I said “you can’t say fairer than that then”.

What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

There's an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads " If you can catch me, you can have me". As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.

Before he signs up he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!". The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in a week; he lost 34.

Why is R-Kelly shit at playing blackjack -because he always sticks at 15.

I was drinking in my local the other evening when an old mate of mine Steve hobbled in on crutches with his leg in a plaster-cast, as he hobbled over towards me I asked him what happened when he told me he broke his leg at work.He then said "you can sign my cast if you want" to which I gleefully pulled out of my jacket pocket a big black marker & wrote on the cast in big writing 'THE GUY WEARING THIS CAST IS A DIRTY NO-GOOD LYING BASTARD WITH A TINY COCK!!!'. Looking in horror Steve asked me "what the hell have you done??" to which I replied "I'm just adding insult to injury".

The Ronnie Barker Joke;

Man walks into the chemist & asks for a bar of soap to which the chemist asks "Do you want it scented?".The man replies "No thanks I'll take it home with me now!".

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

"Fuck off" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little shit" I thought as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.

Don´t buy these....i got a packet in the pub last night.....worst chewing gum i´ve ever tasted!