Jokes

A wife whos tired of her husband being drunk finally tells him 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if you don't get clean I'll divorce you' So naturally the man says 'okay I'll stop drinking'.Later that night - he goes the pub and is that drunk he throws up all over himself! The man doesn't know what to do and starts panicking 'oh shit my wife is gonna divorce me! I promised her I wouldn't get drunk again!'...... Another man sitting on a barstool replies, 'don't worry mate, just take a tenner, put it in your inside pocket and say someone else threw up on you and the money is for the dry cleaning'. 'Oh shit thanks that's a good idea' the man replies, and proceeds to walk home to see his wife. The wife opens the door and sees her husband in his state and immediately says 'alright that's it I'm divorcing you!' To which the man says 'Wait I can explain! A man threw up on me. I wasn't drinking! Look he gave me a tenner for the dry cleaning!' The man pulls out two ten pound notes. 'What's the other one for then?' The wife asks, 'That's for the guy that shit in my pants' the man replies.

Two elephants are walking through the jungle, when they come across a giant tortoise.without hesitation, one of the elephants pounds the giant tortoise to death.

“What d’ya do that for?” said the other elephant

“20 years ago, I was at a watering hole, that bastard took a massive bite out of my trunk.”

“Wow, you must have a good memory”

“Yeah, I’ve got turtle recall.”

A woman takes her dog to the vet for an operation. Afterwards the vet says she needs to get some hair removal cream to keep the stitches clean so she calls into the pharmacy over the road.

When she gets to the counter with the tube, the pharmacist says: "This is powerful stuff, if it's for your legs then I'd wear loose fitting pants for a few days"

"It's not for my legs..."

"OK, if it's for your armpits then I'd stick to vest tops for a couple of days."

"It's not for my armpits, it's for my Shnauzer."

"Well in that case stay off your bike for a week."

I’m fed up with my mates, three times now they’ve agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then not shown up.

Here I go again on my own!

I took my wife and her family out to dinner the other day...

The waiter asked me what I’d like and I replied “I’ll have the steak please”

“And the vegetables?”

“They’ll have the same!”

I've ordered some German food over the internet. The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Just bought a belt made out of herbs.

What a waist of thyme.

Little Johnny come home from sunday school with a black eye..

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said.

"You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

I got mugged last night. 4 big blokes battered me. During the scuffle I did at least manage to knock one out
Not the best time for a wank I agree but I thought it may be my last chance.

A guy is driving his cart and horse down the road when he spots a snake in front of him. He picks up a stick to beat it to death,but the snake screams:

- Please don't kill me and I will grant you 3 wishes.

Sounds like a nice deal, the man thinks to himself and agrees to it.

- First, I want 100 million pounds.

- When you wake up tomorrow, you shall have it, the snake says.

- Then I want to be incredibly good looking.

- It is granted, the snake says.

- Last, I want what the horse has between its legs.

- Granted, says the snake. When you wake up tomorrow, you will have all these things.

The man goes home and goes to sleep. The next morning he wakes up, looks at the window and he sees loads of stacks with cash. Then he picks up his wife's mirror and sees a incredibly handsome man looking back at him.

Then he remembers his third wish, and with shaky hands he lifts up the cover and looks down, and with a gasp he shouts:

- Fucking hell, I forgot I had the mare.