Jokes

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I slid my finger back out and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His wife,his daughter and two sons and his nurse are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his final wishes.

When all is set up and ready he begins to speak.

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra"

"Bridget,my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the upper lisburn road"

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over on Malone road"

"My son,Patrick junior,I want you to take the offices in the city centre."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away.They did not realise the extent of paddy's wealth.

As he slips away,the nurse says to his wife,"Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences,your husband must have been such a hard working and wonderful man to have accumulated all that property "...

" Property? "His wife replies.

"The fucker had a window cleaning round".

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was instantly attracted to him, and during her questions to him about his life she aked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What the fuck did you do that for?!"

He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

This lion wanders up to another lion and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees

Studies show that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are, you won't either.

Got into an argument about masturbation.

I managed to hold my own...

Paddy in Wetherspoons :

“How much is your lager?”

Barman : “£2 for a pint, and £7 a pitcher”

Paddy : “I’ll just have a pint, fuck the photo”.

I noticed on the bookies window yesterday, ‘Open on Sunday 11-2’

I’ll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.

I’ve just bought a house with period features.

The wife really hates that nickname!

Just bought some sainsbury sausages. There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork'.

Cant argue with that!