Jokes

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and says to the barman "This is my dog, it can talk"

"Bollocks says the barman. Prove it, get it to talk and you can have free drinks for the night and some meat for the dog"

"Ok. So the man says to the dog: What's the name of that thing above a house?"

"The dog replies: roof roof!"

"Good. What about that thing around the outside of a tree?"

"Bark, bark!"

The barman is rightly pissed off and he chucks them out.

Whilst walking out of the bar, the dog turns to its owner and says "For fucks you thick cunt, why do you always ask me such stupid questions?"

A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your fucking minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.'

A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help. The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him." The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our saviour?" then nods to Mrs Jones. She pokes her husband, and he wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

The priest, pretending to be impressed, says, "Very good!"

A full three minutes later, Mr Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices, and asks, "What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Mrs Jones again. She pokes her husband, who screams, " OH GOD!" at the top of his lungs.

The priest again congratulates Mr Jones on his alertness and continues with the sermon.

However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs Jones mistakes for a poking signal. The priest then says, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?"

The mistaken Mrs Jones pokes her husband, and he shouts, "If you poke that fucking thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!"

I was having a full blown threesome with these two right dirty bitches at my workplace. The blonde one was taking it up the arse while the black one was licking and slurping my balls...then the boss walked in..

Needless to say I don’t work at those kennels anymore.

I phoned one of the Babestation girls once..

She said “What would you like me to do for you?”.....

So I said “Hide behind the sofa, the wife’s coming downstairs and I’ve lost the remote!”

Love is : that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and finding out she’s a fat nagging cunt.

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by the number of times my wife calls her a ‘skinny fucking bitch’.

Shagged that Cheryl Cole yesterday and there’s three things you should know..

Her fanny is as tight as fuck, took a real effort to get it in..
She took a facial without a word of complaint..
The staff at Madame Tussaud’s are all miserable bastards with no sense of humour.

I dropped my swear jar earlier.

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.