Jokes

CAN ADMINS OF THIS FORUM DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
THERE’S A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN WHO’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS UNMENTIONABLES.
HE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 4 AND THERE’S OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE ITS REALLY SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

So I said to my mate today who's going on holiday soon and in her fifties. "Don't forget to take your nipple sun cream for when you get ya boobs out for the boys. "
She replied "Sudocrem would be better for when they scrape along the ground. "

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love it when I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

I got sacked from my job as a theatre designer.

I left without making a scene.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

Then my illegal logging business is a success!

People tell me that my grammar stinks...

What do they expect?

She’s 89.

Scientists announced today that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

Which means, women are now down to third place.

Wife says to husband; "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

Husband says; "That’s not true... sometimes I want a kebab"

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side.

So I...

Crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the bar code scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans!!..