Jokes

What's the difference between a supermarket trolley and a chav?

..........

Nobody's ever accused a chav of having a mind of it's own!

This is a long one, but hopefully worth it...

Jimmy's out in his garden playing football with his dad. He sees a butterfly land on a nearby wall and goes over to look at it. Suddenly, he slams his hand down on top of the butterfly and kills it. His dad, having seen everything, comes over and says:

"Jimmy, to teach you the value of all life, I'm going to punish you for killing that butterfly. Your punishment is that you have to go without butter for a month."

And so Jimmy accepts his punishment and goes without butter for the next month.

A few weeks later, Jimmy's having a picnic with his family. A honey bee is buzzing around his head, but he remember the incident with the butterfly and resists lashing out. Unfortunately his temper finally gets the better of him and he lashes out. The bee falls onto the picnic blanket, dead. Jimmy's dad, once again having seen everything, says:

"You obviously didn't learn anything the last time, so I'll have to punish you for killing that honey bee. This time you must go without honey for a month."

Jimmy once again accepts his punishment, and goes without honey for a month.

Not long after this, he's playing football with his dad in the garden again when the pair of them hear an almighty scream coming from the kitchen. The two of them run inside to find Jimmy's mum slamming the kitchen counter violently with a rolling pin.

"What happened?" Jimmy's dad asks when she finally stops.

"There was a cockroach," she replies. "A blooming massive one... it crawled out of one of the cupboards. But it's fine now... I killed it with the rolling pin."

With a huge grin on his face, Jimmy looks at his dad and says:

"Do you want to tell her, or shall I?"

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok". They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.The boy agreed.

While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made. He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."

Don't you hate those chavs who walk around with their hands down their pants?
I mean, I understand if you're just trying to illustrate how much of a wanker you are...

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and
it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up
another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts
of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.

Undeterred , he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do," the Doctor replied.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "Nothing to worry about, you're in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from rolling over and falling out of the bed."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

An 85yr old man who's a bit on the deaf side, suddenly becomes unwell, so his wife takes him to the doctor.

The doctor examines the old codger, but can't find anything really wrong, so decides to get some samples from the old fella, so that he can run some tests......

Doctor: "Next time you come here, i need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample"

Old man: "Whaddid you say? i can't hear you!!"

The Doc repeats himself, this time slightly louder.....

"Next time you come, bring a blood sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample"

Old man: "Pardon? I can't hear you, i'm a bit deaf!!"

The Doc, now completely exasperated, leans over and virtually bellows in the old man's ear....

"NEXT TIME YOU COME IN, BRING A BLOOD SAMPLE, A URINE SAMPLE, AND A SEMEN SAMPLE, PLEASE!!!"

Old man: "Sorry doc, but i'm a bit dea..."

Finally, the wife butts in, taps her deaf husband on the shoulder, and says.....

"For fuck's sake Eric, he said the next time you come in, bring your underpants in a plastic bag"

One day, a long time ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bitch.

But it was just one day and it was a fucking long time ago.