Jokes

When arguing with your university lecturer, when they make you speechless and shout "Wheres your comeback now then!"
Apparantly my screaming back, "If i wanted my fucking comeback i'd get it off your mums chin!"
Is a good way to get myself kicked out.

Women. Give them a pool table and they'll hit fuck all, but give them a car and they'll hit everything!

I know that Rachel Riley on countdown is really fit, but i can't help but feel that the show would be vastly improved if they got Chris Kamara to reveal the letters.

Contestant: "I'll have a vowel please".

Kamara: "IT'S UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF! IT'S AN 'O'!"

My friend John dressed up as Lady Gaga last night for halloween.
Its safe to say he did it perfectly... penis and all.

A blonde visits London, and wants to get to Buckingham Palace. She asks a policeman for directions, so he points to a bus stop and says "Take the number 68 bus, it goes straight there." She thanks him and goes to the stop, so he walks off. A couple of hours later, he comes back and sees her still standing at the stop and just letting buses go by. He goes to her and asks "Haven't there been any number 68 buses?" She replies "Don't make me lose count; the last bus was the 56th, only 12 more to go before mine."

A blonde just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"
I texted back saying, "I don't know" and she replied, "OMG, no-one does!"

a teacher asks her class to use the word contagious in a sentence.roland the glass geek stands up and says"last year i caught the measles and my mum said i was contagious"teacher says "well done,anyone else?"katie says "my grandma says theres a bug going about and its contagious"well done as well,one more asks the teach"little irish sean jumps up and says in a broad irish accent"our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush,and my dad says it,ll take that c**t ages"

Lol, i liked that one

when beethoven passed away,he was buried,a couple of days later the town drunk was walking thru the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from beethovens grave,the terrified drunk ran off to get the priest,the priest and the drunk both could hear faint unrecognisable music coming from the grave,both men scared witless ran to get the magistrate,who listened for a few seconds and said"ah yes,thats beethovens ninth being played backwards,he,s listened longer,theres the eighth also backwards,strange....then the seventh,six,fifth...then the penny dropped,the magistrate says "fellow citizens,its nowt to worry about,its just beethoven de-composing"

Old Joke

"My wife likes oral sex in her right ear"

"It's true, whenever I put my cock to her mouth, she turns her head sidewards".