Jokes

HIV is just Roman for a High Five

people who deal with clocks and watches have too much time on their hands... that's why they sell them

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

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Dry erase boards are remarkable.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping center that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks…

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Two men at an airport are chating and it turns out they've both lost their wifes.
1st man asks "whats your wife look like?" 2nd man says "shes 5ft 10 ,blonde, big tits, wearing a mini skirt, stockings, high heels and a boob tube". What does your wife look like?" 1st man says " fuck her, i'll help you find yours"