Jokes

......

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started!"

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

The Stupid Cashier (Clean)

A man was a cashier and he was new working for the toy store. So one day, a man came in and bought a toy. When he went up to the cashier, he said,"How much is this?"

The cashier responded,"I dunno. So the cashier went to his boss and the boss asked him,"What did the customer ask you?"

Cashier said,"How much is this?"Boss said,"you're supposed to say 50c"

So he went back.

Day 2: Another guy came in. He bought a toy as usual. He went up to the cashier and said, "How much is this?"Cashier said,"50c." The customer said,"Is it fresh?"Cashier said,"I dunno"

So he went up to his boss.
Boss asked,"What did the customer ask you?" Cashier responded,"Is it fresh?"
Boss answered, "you're supposed to say as fresh and fresh could be. So he went back.

Day 3:A little girl came in and bought a toy as obviously what you have to do in a toy store. She tinkled up to the cashier and said,"How much is it?"Cashier said,"50c"

The little girl said,"Is it fresh?" Cashier said,"As fresh and fresh could be. "The little girl said,"Should I buy it?"Cashier said,"I dunno."

So he went up to his boss.His boss said, "What did the customer ask you?" Cashier responded, "Should I buy it?" The Boss said, "you're supposed to say if you don't someone else will!" So he went back.

Day 4, the end of the store's life: The next day, a burglar came in and he said,"How much is in that cash register?" The cashier said, "50c." The burglar said,"Are you talkin' fresh with me?" The cashier said,"As fresh and fresh could be!"

The burglar said,"Should I shoot you?" The cashier said, "If ya don't,someone else will!!!," and so the burglar shot him, took all the money, and so perished the store which never lived again.

What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

It’s nacho cheese.

Oscar pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired glasgow celtics manager ronny deila instead. Oscar was impressed by his ability to win despite losing both legs

I had a joke about amnesia, but I forgot it

(funny thing is, that's not meant to be a joke, I really did have a joke about amnesia I forgot, but since it looks like a joke, I said it anyway lol)

Tim Vine has won the award for best one-liner at the Edinburgh Festival, for the second year in a row :

"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
Well, it was just gathering dust."


The runner-up :

"I was going to tell a joke about a badger....
...but it just wouldn't fit in the set."


(looking back at them, neither of them is one line, is it?)