Jokes

Marriage is a bit like a dishwasher. To start with its the best thing ever but after a while you realise you are better off doing it by hand.

I just rang Tesco customer services to complain about my assorted multipack of crisps.

I said, "I'd like to make a complaint about the flavour."

She said, "What flavour?"

I said, "Exactly."

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.
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What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I just came up with a new name that I find funny. Try not to laugh when you say it out loud, OK?

Ubeeshqua

U is pronounced YOU

Reasons to Own a Dog


1.The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog?

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Monastery of Silence (Clean)

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Office Secretary (Adult)

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"