Jokes

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowds arrive. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tyres.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a payrise for being such a good attraction.

This goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quicker and pounces.

As the mime finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, the lion whispers, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumb buffalo shit. It mean someone steal tent."

A working-class man had been going out with an upper-class girl for a over a month until one weekend he was invited over for dinner at her parent's country mansion.

Trying his best not to be overawed by the sheer size of the house, not to mention the maids and butlers, he engaged in polite pre-dinner small talk and felt relieved when everyone laughed at his jokes. They then sat down for a four-course meal, which he was determined to get through without embarrassing himself by picking up the wrong item of cutlery.

Everything was going smoothly until about halfway through the meal when the combination of rich foods made him want to fart. He desperately tried to hold it in, but with two more courses to go, he realized it would be impossible. So he asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and asked for directions as how to get there. The instructions he received were really complicated, but by then he was busting to let rip, so he set off in search of the bathroom and hoped for the best.

After roaming the corridors, for a few minutes, he could hold it in no longer. Spotting a window in the hallway, he rushed over, opened the window, stuck his butt through it and let out a long, loud, stinky fart. Hugely relieved, he then managed to find his way back to the dinner table, where everyone was eating in silence.

Turning to his girlfriend, he whispered: "It's all going rather well isn't it?" "It was" she replied frostily, "until you farted through the serving hatch!"

Bad Things To Hear In A Maternity Ward

"I can see a head! Get that man out of the way and let me help this pregnant woman."

"He's a very different colour to his dad, isn't he?"

"This will be the most poignant moment of your life: screaming and shitting yourself in a paddling pool."

"You've just circumcised his leg!"

"He's not coming out easily. Stand back, I'm going in!"

"Mind if I take a photo for National Geographic"

"Ok. Brace! Forceps! Nice to see you, to see you nice."

"When I said "caesarean" I didn't mean stab me on the hospital steps."

"Clean yourself up and let's go down the pub, I'm gasping."

"Who wants this one?"

"Pull!"

"What have we here? Let me just put my hand in and...a bunch of flowers...the flags of the world...a white rabbit!"

Wife: "You left the fridge door open, you idiot, and now everything's gone off! What I am supposed to do with all this food.?"
Husband: "Ok, don't make a meal out of it."

How do frogs make beer?
They start with some hops.

I tend to find the most down-to-earth people are gravediggers.

Mix your metaphors. It's not rocket surgery.

Kid's Powers of Logic

"If you can't remember how old you are Grandma, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine says five to six."

"Never ask for anything that costs more than £5 when your parents are filling out tax forms."

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."

"Never spit when you're on a roller coaster."

"You should never jump out of a tree using trash bags as parachutes."

"Are you sure that's a pool of petrol in the driveway Mum? I thought it was a dead rainbow."

"When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone."

""When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep."

What you don't want to hear during an operation

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

What's THIS doing here?

Someone call maintenance - we're going to need a mop and bucket.

Wait a minute if that's his spleen, what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that, uh....thingie.

OOPS! By the way, has anyone ever survived 500ml of that stuff before?

Hell, there goes the power again.

Come back with that right now! Bad dog, bad dog!

You know, there's big money in kidneys. There's two here...

Nobody move - I've just lost one of my contacts.

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's distracting me, big time.

I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for!

Nurse, the patient did sign an organ donor card, didn't he?

That's so cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?

Not to worry, I know it's sharp enough.

Damn! Page 44 of this procedure seems to be missing!

Where's my wedding ring?