Jokes

Don't you just love grandparents...

While playing basketball with my girlfriend the other day in my garden, my nan was having a cup of tea outside.

Reacting to me missing about 5 shots in a row she says,

"How are you going to get her pregnant if you cant even hit the hole?"

Priceless

Australian radio station running a competition, come up with a word not in the dictionary and use it in a sentence

DJ: "gday mate ure on the air, whats ure word?
CALLER: "geearn"
DJ: "can ya use it in a sentence?"
CALLER: "yeah, geearn fack urself!"
DJ: "whoa there fella, u cant use that kind of language on air!"

and cuts him off, 5 mins later another caller

DJ: "gday there caller ure on the air, whats ure word?"
CALLER: "smee"
DJ: "can u use it in a sentence?"
CALLER: "yeh, smee agen geearn fack urself!!!"

I've got my first cage fight next week ...

That budgie won't know whats fucking hit it.

Started going to the gym on holiday,

Did 10 reps.

No matter how bad my life gets, I can always be happy knowing that I'm better than the people on The Jeremy Kyle Show

I've watched 13,269 videos on realmadrid.

It's now crystal clear to me why I don't have a girlfriend.

What do you call 2 members of Girls Aloud at the bottom of the ocean?.......A good start!

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned.

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And coming in at number 1 is....

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

what does an old woman have between her tits that a young woman doesnt? A NAVEL