Jokes

A disabled man was sick of life and decided to commit suicide. So he positioned his wheelchair near the ledge of the fifth floor of a multi-storey car park, but couldn't quite manage to get over the barrier so that he could plunge to his death. In desperation, he pleaded with passers-by to help him end his life but they either refused or ignored him.

Eventually a beautiful blonde went over to him, but just as he was about to ask her to help him die, she looked him in the eye and gave him the most magical compassionate smile. Dazzled by her beauty, he instinctively smiled back and realized the world no longer seemed such a terrible place.

"I'm so glad we met", she said tenderly. "You are the type of man I've been looking for. You look so honest and kind, unlike all the other men I've known! What are you doing up here anyway?"

"You know it's hard to believe, but when I first came up here I was just desperate for someone to toss me off, but none of these men would do it. But now I've seen you, I don't feel the need anymore!"

Her face dropped instantly. "You dirty queer" she yelled, and pushed him over the barrier.

Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

Three times last week, a guy knocked on my door trying to get me to buy a jet washer. I hate high-pressure salesmen.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Station porter: "Miss the train sir?"
Passenger: "No, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased out the station!"

What did the turtle tell the police after being attacked by a gang of snails? "Where do I start, It all happened so fast."

Did you hear about the guy in Saudi Arabia who took drugs and ended up in bed with another mans wife? - He was well and truly stoned.

A Scotsman was farming his Highland croft when a passing American tourist pulled up and asked: "How much land do you have here?"
"About Two acres" replied the Scotsman.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch" the American boasted.
"Aye" said the Scotsman, "I once had a car like that."

An old lady walks into a Catholic Church just as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging an incense pot. She says: "Father, I love your dress, but do you know your handbags on fire."

What do you get if a cross Colonel Sanders with Diana Ross?
A Chicken Supreme.

When the shit hits the fan, your toilet is probably in the wrong place.

A guy in London last week had sex with a model...which led to him being thrown out of Madame Tussaud's.

A little boy goes trick or treating dressed as a pirate. he knocks on a neighbors door and says "twick o tweet". neighbor says "and what is your costume little boy?". he says, "I'm a bi-wat". neighbor says, "oh so where are your buccaneers?". little boy says "wite on side of my head wady, use your buckin' eyes".
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around. That's what it's all about.

Did you hear about the woman who had a canister of perfume removed from her arse? - it was Chanel No.2.


Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil millionaire demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?" the lawyer asked.

"I want to hit that cheatin bitch for breach of contract" he raged.

"I don't know if that will stick" replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a piece of property. You don't own her. She's not one of your oil wells."

"I know that, but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!"

Celebrity School Reports - Teachers Remarks

"Dear Mr and Mrs Harris, young Rolf is annoying the crap out of everyone."

"Dear Mr and Mrs Radcliffe, Paula is a talented young lady but she must remember school rules: no running or shitting in the corridor."

Dear Mr and Mrs Clegg, Nick has gone into his shell somewhat this term after becoming friendly with the Cameron boy."

"Dear Mr and Mrs Pan, Peter shows awesome promise but he really needs to grow up."

"Dear Mr Ramsden, Harry really is a chip off the old block, but he could do batter."

"Dear Mr and Mrs Wenger, Arsene is doing wonderfully in French, but I'm sorry to tell you that yet again he has failed his eye test."

"Dear Mr and Mrs Milliband, David has been a bit upset by Ed standing against him as milk monitor."

"Dear Mr and Mrs Morgan, I'm afraid Piers is what we at this school refer to as a little c**t"

"Dear Mr and Mrs Hitler, Adolf is doing very well in science and the debating society, but spends far too much time occupying other pupils desks."

Dear Mr and Mrs West, Fred is working hard on the school patio. Unfortunately, the headmaster has gone missing and is unable to congratulate him."