Jokes

A newly married sailor was informed that for the next 12 months he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific. A few weeks after landing there, he started to miss his new wife so he wrote her a letter.

"My darling" he wrote, "it has suddenly dawned on me that we are going to be apart for a very long time. I'm starting to miss you like crazy, and there's really not much to do around here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by beautiful young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I could avoid being tempted by them?"

Two weeks later, his wife sent him a harmonica with a note saying: "Why don't you learn to play this to take your mind off the local girls?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed home to be reunited with his wife. "Darling" he said, as they embraced at the quayside, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love."

Kissing him on the cheek, she said: "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

Unlikely Things To Hear On A Driving Test

"Slow down, position yourself parallel to the kerb while I pick out a prostitute."

"Take the wheel while I wind down the window....PIGS!"

"Hello? Oh Mum, it's you, I'm on my driving test...no, it's not going well."

"You did fine on the driving but you failed by not shouting enough abuse at other road users."

"I've always found that a stiff Scotch helps me relax before driving tests.."

"Ok, let's practise the emergency stop, I'm dying for a piss."

"I'm just nibbling your ear, don't let it distract you."

"Continue driving for 25 minutes, and when I tap the dashboard, stop and let me out because I'll be home."

"When I said wait until I hit the dashboard, I didn't mean with my face."

"Let's set it to hyperdrive."

"I won't bother indicating, everyone knows I live down this road."

"Do you mind if I pick up a few mates and crank up the stereo."

"I don't know where the indicators are - I only stole it this morning."

It's funny how you don't hear the other shepherd's phrase, "blue sky at night, got the time wrong"

A gay man said to his partner: "My asshole's really hurting. Any idea what it is?
"Ring Sting" replied his partner.
"Why, do you think he'll know?"

A tramp walked up to a smartly dressed woman in the street and said: "I haven't eaten for three days."
"Gosh" said the woman, "I wish I had your will power" and walked off.


What do you call a hooker with two ponytails?
A blow job with handlebars.

How can you break a blonde's nose? - Take your underwear off and lie down under a glass table.

How do you know if a Chinese guy has burgled your house? - Your kid's homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the robber is still trying to back his getaway car out of your driveway.

A guy got caught shoplifting by the security guard in French Connection. What a cnut!

I asked my deaf-mute neighbour to stop parking his car across the entrance to my drive. He got really angry. You should have seen the language.

Unlikely Wedding Vows

"I take you to be my wife, regardless of the obstacles we may face, such as your penis, Adam's apple and beard."

"I love you for your sense of humour and your goodness, but to be honest it's mainly about the tits."

"I want your love for me to grow like a beautiful flower, which is why I keep watering you and covering you in manure."

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, for god's sake when does the bar open?"

"I will love you more with each day, so that after twenty years, you might actually give me an erection."

"I promise not to look at anyone else - yeah right."

"To infinity and beyond."

"With this gun, I thee wed..."

"To have and to hold, for richer for poorer, for as long as I have ze British passport."

"Where you go, I will go, where you stay, I will stay, and your people will be my people. Bollocks to the restraining order."

Together in times of despair and triumph, although obviously there'll be a lot more of the former."