Jokes

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair grow, which has got me wondering about my nan's moustache.

My friend had a heart attack while on holiday in the Black Forest. Doctors have stated he's not out of the woods yet.

A survey on bulimics was very successful. There was plenty of feedback.

When I do DIY, its like playing blackjack in a casino. The house always wins.

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
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Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Who was the greatest financier that ever lived?
Noah, because he was able to float a company when the whole world was in liquidation.

What does James Last say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks."

I've just read a biography about Velvet Underground. It's not brilliant but its a good loo read.

A young city banker called into a rough downtown bar one night, put ten $100 bills on the bar and claimed that he could eat the sloppiest turd ever produced. He said that if he couldn't eat the pile of poop, then whoever produced it would be a grand richer.

The first guy to take the challenge was a trucker who proceeded to produce a turd that was so runny it started to run down the cracks in the floor. The city banker licked it up in no time.

The next guy to have a go was a builder who unleashed a loose crap that went from his chair, over the table, and onto the next chair. The city banker hesitated for a second, but still ate it in five seconds flat.

Everybody was amazed and it looked like the city guy was going to keep his money. Then a huge biker entered the bar and decided to have a go. He stood on the bar and laid the meanest smelliest shit ever seen. It went up the length of the bar, down across the barstools and right to the bankers feet.

Undeterred, he got down and started chomping, but all of a sudden heaved his guts out all over the place. The biker sauntered up to the bar, picked up his winnings and headed for the door.

Just then the city banker, wiping the vomit from his mouth, looked up and said to the biker: "Hey buddy, it wasn't your turd that made me sick; it was that little bastard in the corner picking his nose."

Three guys were in a bar discussing how much their wives bitched at them. To give the women no cause for complaint in future, the men decided that when they got home, they would do the first thing that the women asked.

The next night the three met up again in the same bar. The first guy said: "Man, I don't think our idea was great! I was sitting on the sofa watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the sofa. My wife said: "Go on, why don't you burn the whole house down?" The place is still smouldering."

The second guy said: "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said: "Why don't you tear the whole car apart?" I tell you, it took me all night."

The third guy said: "You guys got nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes. and I felt a little amorous. I reached down and she said: "Cut that out!" Ever seen one of these real close?"