Jokes

Signs That You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline:

Tickets are sold through lottery terminals.

At the airport all the insurance machines are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the fight attendant tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The captain asks all passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

All planes have a toilet and a chapel.

No movie. You don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's declaring to be let off the plane.

A little boy ran into the kitchen and said to his mother: "Mum is it wrong to have a willy?
Shocked she replied: "Of course not. Why do you ask?
"Well Dad's upstairs in the bedroom trying to pull his one off."

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet women the old fashioned way - through alcohol and poor judgement.

A balanced American diet is when every McNugget weighs the same.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun."Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her."Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise."Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!""Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

A man goes in to a Chiropodists, gets his knob out and slaps it on the Dr's desk. The Doc says, "Hey, that's not a foot!" The man replies, "Let's not argue over half an inch".

Who’s the most unpopular man in football?

The bloke who shouts, "Give me a 'B'!" at Borussia Mônchengladbach games.

An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.