Jokes

When over 100 people turned up for a group therapy session, the speaker decided to break the ice by asking how often those present had sex.

First he asked for a show of hands from anyone who had sex almost every night. A few people raised their hands. Then he asked how many had sex once a week. A larger number of hands were raised.

Next he asked how many had sex every two weeks or once a month. More hands were raised. After polling his group several more times, the speaker spotted one guy sitting at the side of the auditorium with a huge grin on his face. The speaker had noticed that the guy had never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy replied: "Once a year"
"Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?
Still beaming, the guy said: "Tonight's the night!"

Two elderly women were discussing the uncertain financial futures they would face when their husbands died.

One said: "My Bill has a weak heart, kidney problems and a serious lung condition, and all the medical care he has needed has eaten into our savings. When he dies and I have him buried, I'll be left virtually penniless."

The other replied: " My Gordon has a metal hip, metal plates in his skull and metal pins in his knees. We don't have any savings but when he dies and I have him cremated, he'll be worth a fortune in scrap."

Don't forget its st valentines day on Friday. I hope it goes better than last year. I booked a table but it didn't go well.
She didn't pot a ball all night

A man was sitting at the bar looking glum. A friend walked over to him and asked: "What's up with you?"

"Well" he explained, "I was driving around the other day and feeling rather horny. So I decided to drop by at a well-known dogging spot nearby. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in"

"Sounds great. So why are you so miserable?"
"I'm pretty sure that's why I failed my driving test."

The male biology teacher at a girl's private school asked during class: "Miss Timpson, would you name the organ in the human body which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions?"

A shocked Miss Timpson replied loftily: "I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this" And with that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, the teacher called on Miss Upton and asked the same question. Miss Upton, with calm composure replied: "The pupil of the eye in dim light."

"Correct" said the teacher. "Now Miss Timpson, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not done your homework, Two, You have a dirty mind, and Three, You will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment!"

A man joined a nudist colony. After a few weeks he received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photograph.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut a picture in half and sent her the top half.

Later he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cut another photo in half, but accidentally sent the bottom half.

He was horrified when he realised he had sent the wrong part, but then he remembered that his grandmother's eyesight was so bad she probably wouldn't notice.

A few weeks later he received a letter back from his grandmother. It said: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle - it makes your nose look long."