Jokes

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed that it can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

To all those men who moan and whine about how difficult it is to cultivate apples, I say: "Grow a Pear."

My granddad woke up with a puzzled look on his face - he'd fallen asleep on his jigsaw.

Two blokes walk into a bar. The third one ducks

Two old men chatting in the park.
"My wife and I were happy for 40 years", said one guy.
"What happened?",asked the other
"We met", sighed the first.

I have to admit I still miss my ex-girlfriend....but my aim is improving.

Really frustrated. I went to the library and asked the librarian, "Where's the self-help section". She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

Apparently a really difficult crossword clue prevents depression. It stops you getting two down.

A sex starved guy travelled all the way to the Arctic because he'd heard so much about Lapp dancing.

How many mimes must have died because nobody believed they were choking.

What does a Dalmatian say after enjoying a hearty meal?
"My word, that hit the spots.

A guy had been on a couple of dates with a nurse, and one night they ended up in bed. As he stripped off he said to her: "You must have seen a few cocks where you work. How does mine rate?"

"It's slightly bigger than average." she replied.
"Thanks" he said. "By the way what type of nursing do you do?"
She replied: "I'm a midwife."

A man went on a date with a blonde. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes" he replied, "I have one child that's under two."
"I might be blonde" she said indignantly, "but I know how many one is!"

Suspecting his wife of having an affair, a husband hired a famous Chinese detective to follow her. A week later, the husband received the following report from the detective:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No fee.

A middle aged wife was frustrated over her lousy sex life, so she talked to her next door neighbour. The neighbour asked her what she wore to bed.

"I have this white nightgown with a high lacy front and low-cut back. Dave used to think it was so sexy, but now he doesn't even look at me."

"Turn it around so it's cut low in front" the neighbour advised. "It's sure to turn Dave on."

That night, Dave climbed into bed, and began to read his book. His wife went into the bathroom, put her nightgown on backwards, moved seductively out the door and across the room, got into bed and nibbled on Dave's ear. Dave put down his book, grunted and rolled over.

She slapped him angrily on the arm. "Dave, I want to make love, Don't you notice anything different about my nightgown?"

"Yeah" grumbled Dave, "the shit stains are on the front."