Jokes

When I was young, I had everything handed to me on a plate. Soup was a nightmare.

Son: "Dad what's a hermaphrodite?"
Father: "I don't know, son, but ask your mother - he'll know."

Doesanyoneknowwhatthebaronthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?

I remember when I used to eat lettuce, tomato and cucumber non-stop. I guess those were my salad days.

My uncle was thrown out of a mime show for having a seizure. They thought he was heckling.

The Colour Blind Society are holding a social night next week - they're going to paint the town grey.

Smoking makes a woman's voice go harsh. If you don't believe me, try flicking cigarette ash on her new carpet.

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.

They say 40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera.

When Tom Cruise got the first Oscar nomination I bet he felt five foot tall.

A scoutmaster was surprised to see a young boy arrive for summer camp with an umbrella. "Why the Umbrella" he asked. The boy said:
"Didn't you ever have a mother?"

A guy gave his wife plastic surgery, he cut up her credit cards.

A man had his wife cremated. As smoke came out, he said to his brother: "That's the first time I ever saw her hot."

A man visited a psychic who told him that a lot of money was coming his way. That afternoon he was hit by a Securicor truck.

Last night the steak I ordered mooed at me. I thought, that's rare.