Jokes

Kid's Views on Baby's and the Human Body

"Mummy's got a baby in her tummy. I think the doctor put it in."

"Making babies is something to do with the stork and his pecker."

"Sometimes if the baby won't come out the doctor pulls it out with a pair of biceps."

"An important person when the baby is born is the midwife. I don't know why they're called that. Is it because they're mid-way between a wife and a husband like Mr Lucas at number 18 who dresses up in women's clothes at the weekend."

"Mums often get cross and crotchety, when they're pregnant, but its hard to tell with my mum, because she's like that anyway."

"I saw a drawing once of how babies are made. it doesn't look very easy. If I get a girlfriend, I think I might stick to shaking hands."

"When a women can't conceive a baby naturally, they have test tube babies. But I'm not sure how I'd get my willy inside a test tube - we use them in science lessons and they're not very wide."

"Boys have a penis and girls have a china."

"When I'm a big mister I'm going to have a big willy like Daddy's."

"My two front teeth are crooked. My dad says they're good for opening tins of beans."

One of the 'World's Strongest Man' events should be "Pulling apart two shopping trolleys that are stuck together.
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Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
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I've owned 3 Golden Retriever's and not once has one of them brought me any gold.
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The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

Getting married is like buying a washing machine - you'll never need to do it by hand again.

Confused about an invoice, a boss asked his secretary: "If I were to give you £20,000 minus 14 per cent, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings" she replied.

My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay, but he's got Alzheimer's, and he thought it was the car.

What did the baboon say when his sister had a baby?
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."

A man was teasing his wife about her terrible knitting when she suddenly stabbed him in the foot. Her never expected her to get the needle.

Why is being in the army like having sex?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

For sale: full set of encyclopedias. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows everything.

I went to a crime writer's dinner once. Everyone was scared to taste the soup.

It's ok to smoke weed in the rain, but don't in hail.

A chicken walks up to a duck standing at the side of the road and says: "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it."

I've often wondered how a dyslexic person would dance the YMCA?

Have you heard about the Liverpool version of "Silence of the Lambs?"
It's called "Shurrup Ewes."

My granddad's joined a rambling group. It takes them bloody ages to finish a story.

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
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My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Kid's Take's on Animals

"Penguins eat fish, but where do they get the chips?"

"Bears and hedgehogs hibernate, and so does our laptop."

"A camel's got legs like Tina Turner."

"My pet goldfish is named Bob, because that's what he seems to say all day."

"Mummy says Daddy's like a bear with a sore head. But why do bears have sore heads? Is it because they drink too much beer like daddy."

"I like lions but I wouldn't want to keep one as a pet. I think the litter tray it would need might be too big for our kitchen."

"It's cool the way snakes shed their skin. Mum did that last summer after she got sunburned in Ibiza."

"My mum says the most dangerous snake in the world is the one-eyed trouser snake, but I can't find it in any of my wildlife books."

"Horses can run very fast - except the ones my dad bets on."

"Sea Lions can balance their balls on the end of their nose."

"I saw a picture of an Octopus today. I was very impressed with its eight testicles."

"Mum, you know you said all birds and animals go to heaven when they die? Well see that dead seagull lying in the road? Does that mean God threw it back down?"

"Some big dinosaurs like the brachiosaurus only ever ate grass and leaves. With all that meat to choose from, why would they decide to eat vegetation all day? What a boring diet, and imagine how bad its farts must have been!"

"Cygnets turn into swans, tadpoles into frogs, and piglets turn into sausages."

Did you hear about the clothes designer who combined the national dress of India with the carefree styling of Polynesia?
He called it his "Sari, Sarong Number."

Did you hear about the cowboy who bought himself a dachshund...because everyone told him to get a long, little doggie?"

A man suspected of chopping off peoples fingers with a machete was released today because nobody could point him out in the line up.

Glass coffins, will they be a success? Remains to be seen.