Jokes

God intended all fruit to be round, but when he created the banana his mind was on something else.

Punctuation is the difference between "Helping your uncle, Jack off his horse" and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse."

Join the Hernia Society. It needs your support.

Nurse: "The patient you just treated has collapsed on the front step. What should I do?"
Doctor: "Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving.

I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 50 miles away.

A mute incontinent: goes without saying.

Walking through town I saw a group of fat Goths. They were morbidly obese.

Women are like computers. They take too long to warm up and a better model comes along once you've already got one.

Two men are chatting in the pub. One said: "My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies last night."

"Really" said the other. "How did it go?"

"Well I stuck my dick up her arse, gave her a quick shagging, then exploded on her face shouting, Take that bitch. From the look on her face I guessed that we don't watch the same kind of films."

What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go to the toilet, 83% said it was to go home.

In desperation, a man called the Paranoia Helpline. A voice on the other end said: "How the hell did you get this number?"

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. She asked the boy " Paul, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks."

"I'm too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I'm smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too."

In an attempt to resolve the problem, the teacher took Paul to the principal's office and while he waited outside, she explained the situation to the principal. He told the teacher that he would give Paul a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself. Paul was ushered into the office to take the test.

"What is 5x5? asked the principal.
"25" answered Paul.
"What is 12-8?"
"4"
And so it went on. Every standard third-grade question the principal asked, Paul answered correctly. Eventually the principal said: "I think Paul can move up to third grade."

"First, let me ask him a few questions" suggested the teacher.
"Very well" said the principal.
"Ok, Paul" said the teacher. "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?"
The principal looked anxious.
"Legs" answered Paul.
"What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
"Bubble-gum."
The principal wiped a few beads of sweat from his brow.
"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
"Shake hands."
"Now I am going to ask you some "What am I questions."
"Okay"
"You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
"A Tent."
"A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was now sweating profusely.
"A Wedding Ring"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
" A nose."
"I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
" An Arrow."
"And finally. "What word starts with an F and ends in K and means a lot of excitement?"
" A Firetruck."

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher. "Put Paul in third grade. He's obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself."

A fat girl was dancing on a table in a nightclub when a guy walked past and said "Amazing legs!"
She giggled and said with a smile: "Do you really think so?"
"Definitely" he replied. "Most tables would have collapsed by now."


Why are most serial killers men?
Because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

A man got sacked from his job as a bingo caller. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't considered an appropriate way to announce the number 69.