Jokes

Why a Good Crap is Better than Sex

You never feel as if you must have sex this very minute, right now, or your body will explode.

After a good crap, you get the chance to inspect what you've done; very few women will allow you to do this after sex.

If you can't force one out, it doesn't matter. Nobody judges you.

You are not considered less of a man if you can't manage another crap half an hour later.

You are not expected to have any emotional ties with the toilet.

You can lose more weight with one good crap than from a month of energetic sex.

Whereas sex is sometimes accompanied by the occasional moan, a windy crap can be so musical that passers-by would swear you've got Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen in there.

After a good crap, you don't need to ask, "Was it good for you?" You know it was!

A Jewish guy began dating a girl who suffered from Tourette's. His friend couldn't understand the attraction and said to him:

"I can't believe you're still going out with that girl. Doesn't the fact that she has Tourette's make the relationship rather difficult?"

The Jewish guy admitted: "At first, I did wonder if I had made a big mistake. But all that changed once I installed the swear box."

David Moyes has vowed to get Manchester United into Europe this year.
Even if he has to write the song himself!

Unlikely Alternative Will Requests

Divide it up yourselves, you money-grabbing bastards.

I would like my ashes to be spread at the place where I spent my happiest times...in the pant's of my wife's sister.

And the main beneficiary is...(long X-Factor-style pause)

In the event of me dying before my wife, I want her closely questioned by the police.

In order to ease the family's inheritance-tax burden, I have resolved to leave them bugger-all.

In the event of my death, I would like to be Jettisoned out to sea by the U.S military. Cheers Osama Bin Laden.

After my death, I would like to be cremated and played for by the England and Australia Cricket teams.

I would like to divide my fortune between my three wife's in the hope the money will soften the blow of their finding out about each other.

I'd like to erect a memorial at the place where I met the love of my life: a public toilet on Hampstead Heath.

Ok, Sandra, you've got the car, now you can gamble that and go for the house and land by answering this question...

Breaking News: Riot at seafood restaurant. Dyslexic customer appeals for clam.

Channel 4 are doing a new show in which farmers go to each others harvests and secretly rate them. It's called "Combine With Me."

A man told his girlfriend she was like the sun. She was flattered until he told her that was only because nobody could bear to look at her directly.

Alternative Names for Nappy Brands

Kiddishitz

Stinkys

The George Foreman Nappy With Drip Tray.

Hot Bots.

In The Shite Garden.

Happy Crappers.

Dung-A-Rees.

The Number 2 Range.

Crappypants.

I Can't Believe These Aren't Nappies.

Sloppies.

Ipoo.

Ka-Ka Packas.

Dampers See-Thru.

Inconti-Pants.