Jokes

A guy said to a girl in a bar: "I can tell what day a woman was born just by fondling her breasts."

"I don't believe you," she said.
"It's true," he insisted.
"Okay, then show me"
So he fondled her breasts for 30 seconds, by which time she was starting to get impatient.
"Come on" she demanded. "What day was I born?"
"Yesterday," he replied.

Why was the blonde nicknamed "Éclair"? - Because she loved to be filled with cream.

A chavette gave birth prematurely to a baby boy. Everyone was so proud of him - he was the first one in the family to have been inside for less than nine months.

Did you hear about the conjoined twin boys? - Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

A survey showed that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex - or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

An innocent girl turned to her husband in bed on their wedding night and said: "I'm really scared. I've never done this with a man before."
"Don't worry, honey" he replied. "I have."

What's the most difficult thing for a woman on her wedding night?
Saying "ouch" like she means it.

A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he noticed a pile of fresh cow manure. As it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.

He ate and ate and ate. Finally he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much, however, and couldn't get off the ground.

Looking around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork, leant against the wall. So he climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering hard against the ground.

The moral of the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

A dad was waiting for his teenage daughter, when she arrived home late from a party. He told her: "I hope you've been good."
"Good?!" she said. "If that guy I met was telling the truth. I was bloody fantastic!"

Why did the guy sleep with his sister-in-law?
He had it in for his brother.

I had to defrost the fridge before bed last night. Or foreplay as she calls it.

A young man was standing by the graveside at his bosses funeral. His boss was a very unpleasant man - a lying, cheating bully with misogynist, homophobic views - but everyone in the firm had been ordered to attend his funeral.

In view of the boss's unpopularity, the young man was surprised when the other mourners all burst into a spontaneous round of applause.

Turning to women next to him, he asked: "Why is everyone clapping? I thought they all hated the old bastard."

The woman replied: "Oh, that's because the drunk driver who killed him has just arrived.