Jokes

A fat girl told a guy in a bar: "I want you to take me back to your place and shag me up the arse!"

He said: "I would but I don't have any lubricant."
"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.
"Maybe so," he replied, "but my door frame is quite narrow."


Frank bumped into an old school friend who started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

Frank replied: "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
"Why is she a stunner?"
"No" said Frank. "She's an optician."

A young circus assistant was on his first day of training to be a tiger tamer. The trainer was telling him what to do.

"Firstly, if the tiger growls, move back slightly. Secondly, if the tiger keeps growling, and moves towards you, move back a little more. Thirdly, if the tiger is still growling and advancing on you, throw a load of shit in its face."

"But what if there is no shit to throw?" the assistant asked.

"Don't worry" said the trainer, "if a tiger is advancing on you, there will be!"

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole..!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story -

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A nurse was walking down a hospital corridor when she was spotted by her supervisor. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

The nurse's hair was unkempt, her skirt was crumpled, and to round things off, her left breast was hanging out of the open front of her uniform.

"Nurse Thomas!" boomed the supervisor. "What is the meaning of this? Why are you walking round the hospital not only looking like a tramp, but with your breast exposed?"

"Oh" she said, stuffing her breast back into her uniform. "It's those damn interns! They never put anything back when they're through using it."

Two young brothers aged five and six were listening through the door while their older sister was frolicking on the bed with her boyfriend.

After a while they heard her say: "Oh, Simon, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six year-old turned to his brother and said: "Christ, he must be shagging her up the arse.

A woman was driving along the road when the car in front braked suddenly and she ploughed into the back of it.

When the driver got out, the woman saw he was a dwarf. He raged:
"I'm not happy!"

The woman replied: "Well which bloody one Are you then?"

One day a couple found an old stray cat at their door. She was a sorry sight - starving, dirty, smelled awful, skinny and hair all matted down.

Feeling sorry for her, they put her into a cardboard box and took her to the vet. She had no name, so they simply called her Pussy until they could think of something more imaginative.

Since she was in such a poor state, the vet decided to keep her for observation for a couple of days and said he would let them know when they could come and collect her. "Make sure you give her a good wash," the husband told the vet. "She really stinks!"

It so happened that a few days later the husband had an appointment with his doctor, whose office adjoined the vet's. The Doctor's waiting room was full of people when the side door opened and the vet, who had seen the husband arrive, called over to him:

"Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"