Jokes

The Chemical Make-Up of A Man and a Woman

Element Name: Woman.

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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Element Name: Man

Symbol: BY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantiies on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A woman told her husband one day they had to get divorced. He asked why, and she said they were incompatible.

"Incompatible? How can you say that after eighteen years?" he asked

"Well, you don't have enough income, and I'm not pattable."

Bad Things To Shout During Sex

"Hang on, the phones ringing."

"Did you hear that? Did that they say England are 86 for 5?"

"You just look like your sister from here."

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

"Mrs Doubtfire!"

"Prematurus ejaculatus!"

"Is it supposed to do that?"

"Cover your eyes, its gonna blow!"

"Higher! Lower! Good game, good game."

"Incoming!"

"You will come on my first whistle. Gladiators...Ready!"

"The Eagle has landed."

"Right now put your goggles on."

"He's behind you!"

My friend stepped on a landmine. I'm helping him find his feet again.

Did you hear about the bankers wife who had "severe penalty for early withdrawal" tattooed on her thigh.

Old Macdonald abused his sheep, RSPCA.

What do you call an Indian man with the shits? Apu

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?