Jokes

A single woman went supermarket shopping. She bought a small yoghurt, a ready meal for one and a half bottle of wine.

At the checkout, the male cashier said: "You're single aren't you?"
"Yes" she said. "How can you tell?"
"Because you're really ugly."


A guy approached a fat girl in a bar and said: "You're a big girl aren't you?"
"Tell me something I don't know" she said tearfully.
He said: "Salad tastes nice."

How Sex Can Burn Off Calories:

Taking off the clothes
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 166 cal

Taking off the bra
With both hands - 8cal
With one hand - 11 cal
With one hand being slapped - 53 cal
With the mouth - 91 cal

Putting on the condom
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 335 cal

Preliminaries
Trying to find the clitoris - 14 cal
Trying to find the G-spot - 107 cal
Without giving a damn - 0 cal

Positions
Missionary - 13 cal
Doggie-style - 19 cal
69 lying down - 20 cal
69 standing up - 137 cal
Hostess trolley - 223 cal
Italian chandelier - 934 cal

Having an orgasm
Real - 115 cal
False - 404 cal

Post orgasm
Staying in bed - 5 cal
Jumping off the bed - 30 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed - 828 cal

Getting the second erection
Between 18 and 19 years of age - 14 cal
From 20 to 29 - 36 cal
From 30 to 39 - 97 cal
From 40 to 49 - 376 cal
From 50 to 59 - 919 cal
Over 60 - 3623 cal.

Putting on the clothes
Quietly - 4 cal
Hurriedly - 99 cal
With her husband opening the door - 5190 cal

What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?
A crazy bitch who will find you!

The five words a woman wants to hear during sex: "I will always love you." The five words a man wants to here during sex: "You can put it anywhere.

SAINSBURYS

Theres 3 men and they all want a job at sainsburys so the 1st man comes in and says to the manager :1st Man: Can i have a job please Manager:Yes go and do something dangerous so he does something dangerous comes back and says: 1st Man: Ive done it Manager:How many letters in the alphebet 1st Man:26

Same for 2nd Man

Same for 3rd Man

But on 3rd man Manager:How many letters in the alphebet

3rd man:24 Manager:why you say that: 3rd Man: Because i just blewup B&Q

Unable to log on to the internet, a blonde phoned the help desk. The advisor asked her: "Are you sure you used the correct password?"

"Yes I'm sure," said the blonde. "I saw the guy doing it when he set everything up"

"Can you tell me what the password was?"

"Yes. Six stars."


Two prostitutes were walking through London's Soho. One said to her friend: "I think I might be pregnant"
"Have you had a check-up?"
"No, I think he was Turkish."

Two men were in the same hospital ward.
"What are you in for?" asked the first
"Camera, down the throat" replied the second.
"Oh, endoscopy?"
"Yes, checking for stomach cancer. What about you?"
"Camera up the arse."
"Oh, colonoscopy. Checking for bowel cancer are they?"
"No, my female neighbour was sunbathing in the nude and my wife caught me taking a photo."