Jokes

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents room, so off he went to investigate. Peering through the door he was shocked to see his mother and father enjoying vigorous sex."

"What are you doing?" he asked
"It's ok son" said the father. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
Excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, the boy skipped happily back to his room.

The next night, he heard more noises coming from his parents room, so he went again to see what they were up too. Opening the door he was shocked to see his mother sucking furiously on his fathers dick.

"What are you doing now?" he asked.
It's ok, son" said the father. "It's just a change of plan, that's all. Your mother wants a BMW instead.

A homeless guy approached a man in the street and said: "Any change, mate?" The man said: "No, you're still homeless" and walked off.

"Honey, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm pregnant."
"Jesus Christ."
Yes, Mary and Joseph had an easy time with the naming of their first child.

Did you hear about the redneck who called his children Flour, Yeast, and Water because they were all in-bred.

A couple on a first date were about to go into his apartment, but before he could open his door, the woman said: "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

"Give me some examples," said the man.

"Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either. So how do you unlock your door?"

"Well" he smiled: "first, before I do anything I lick the lock."

A French gynaecologist was talking to an English Gynaecologist.

"Ah, Reechard" he said, we ave ze best job in ze world, no? All ze lovely women, they come to us and we solve their problems. Only last week I saw a woman and relieved her problem - she 'ad a cleetoris like a melon."

"Don't exaggerate Pierre" said the Englishman. "No woman has a clitoris like that."

"Ah, you English, you always think of ze size, never ze taste!"

A young man asked his date: "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh!" the girl exclaimed. "Disgusting! I couldn't ever imagine letting anyone stick their dick up my back passage if I was sober."
He replied: "The whiskey's in the top left cabinet."


I'm sick of people knocking on my door for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank - I really gave her a mouthful.


On their wedding night, the bride and groom went up to their suite, where she stripped naked in front of him.
"Darling" she said tenderly. "Will you love me always?"
"Sounds good to me!" he roared. "I'll try your arse first!"

She's Definitely a Keeper if You Hear Her Say...

This porno scene is boring. Fast forward to the gang bang.

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the next room, but I still want you right now!

Why does a woman need more than two pairs of shoes anyway?

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.

You sure you don't mind me dressing up in leather.

Everybody at work is talking about that picture of my pussy you posted on Facebook. It's great. I've never been so popular.

I love hearing stories about you're ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.

It would be kinky to watch you with our babysitter.

I hate chick-flicks. Lets watch some sport instead.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want them?

When can your friends come round to watch us again.

I'll swallow it all I love the taste.

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you, than go shopping

Say lets go down to the mall, so you can check out women's asses.

Honey, our new neighbour is sunbathing topless again. "Come and See.

I know It's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?

I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you.

God if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!