Jokes

Two old men were talking about sex. One said: "I can't remember the last I got lucky. It's been ages since I had sex. How about you?
His friend replied: "Well I've still got what it takes to get a woman into the bedroom."
"Oh yes. What's that?
"A stairlift."

I once appeared in a James Bond porn movie and the director was delighted with my performance. I came right on Q.

One morning, a farmer's simple teenage son woke with a huge erection. Not knowing what to do, he consulted his father, who told him: "Go out to the stables and shovel manure for a while and that should take care of it."

So the son went to the stables and began shovelling. After a while, the pretty young milkmaid walked by and asked him what he was doing.

"Well Miss Daisy" he said in a slow drawl. "I woke up with a huge hard-on and I didn't know what to do with it. Pa told me to come out here and shovel manure for a while."

Raising her dress enough to expose herself, she purred: "Why don't you just stick it in here then?"

He replied: "The whole shovel full Miss Daisy?"

Did you hear about the guy who phoned the Samaritans and said that he was about to throw himself under a train?
They told him to stay on the line.

Girls: If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA. It's simply that he's not very good at predictive text.

An obese boy went to his doctor and asked: "What's the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?
The Doctor said: "Shake your head from side to side."
"And how many times should I do that?" asked the boy.
"Every time you're offered food."

A man was in a nightclub when he saw a fat girl standing at the bar. He walked up to her and said: "Fancy a dance love?"
"Ooh that would be nice" she replied.
"Well off you go then" he said. "Me and my mates can't get to the bloody bar"

On his way to work on morning a man passed a homeless guy sleeping inside a large cardboard box outside the train station. Not wanting to disturb him, the man crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

The homeless guy immediately woke up and said: "Thank you."
"No problem" smiled the man.
Then the homeless guy picked up the cup and said: "It's empty."
"I know" the man replied. "It's meant to be a chimney."

A redneck boy asked his redneck daddy: "What's sex?"

His Pa decided to keep his explanation simple, so he ordered Ma upstairs and told her to strip. As she lay naked on her back, Pa said to his son: "You see that hole on your ma there? You just watch yer old daddy go!" And then he proceeded to demonstrate sex.

The boy was watching with interest when his younger sister walked in and asked him: "What are they doing?"

"Sex" replied the boy.
"What is sex?" she asked.
He replied: "You see that hole on Pa there? Well, you just watch your older brother go!"

A middle aged woman had been depressed for some time. One evening she turned to her insensitive boyfriend and said:
"I feel like throwing myself under a bus, and you're not helping."
So her gave a timetable.

As part of a security check, a man was asked: "What's your name?"
"Jonathan Fucking Kennedy."
"Oh. Do you suffer from Tourette's, Jonathan?"
"No, but the vicar at the Christening did."