Jokes

Two priests and a rabbi went for a hike one hot summer's day. After trekking through the countryside for over two hours, sweating and exhausted, they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed, the trio then decided to pick a few berries while letting the hot sun dry their bodies.

As they were crossing a clearing, they spotted a group of women from their town. Instinctively the priests covered their privates, while the rabbi covered his face. After the women had gone and they had retrieved their clothes, the priests asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates.

The rabbi replied: "I don't know about you two, but in my congregation it's my face they would recognize."

What did one cowboy's testicle say to the other?
"Why should we hang? Dick did all the shooting!"

A guy was having anal sex with his secretary over his office desk when his wife burst in.
She cried: "You can't do this to me!"
"I know" he said. "That's why I'm doing it to her."

I went to the swimming pool last night and decided to chance a piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Did you hear about the woman who earned extra money by polishing World War II helmets?
She certainly put a smile on the face of the old soldiers at the care home.

Marianne Faithfull walked into a sixties celebrity party and spotted Jim Morrison sitting quietly in a corner. She ambled over to him, undid his flies and began sucking him off. She then spotted the rest of the Doors in another part of the room and in turn went round each one and sucked them off.

Just as she had finished, in walked John Lennon, so she sidled over to him undid his flies, and began sucking him off. Moment's later, in came Paul, George and Ringo, and she obliged each of them too.

Then suddenly Michael Caine burst in and shouted at her: "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

Two Twins Tommy and Timmy were asked by their parents what they would like for their tenth birthday.

"I'd like a new bike" said Tommy. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighbourhood."

"And I'd like a digital radio for my room" said Timmy. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town."

So their parents bought them the gifts. Later that day, Tommy was out on his new bike when he came upon a serious car crash. "I've got to tell Mum" he thought, and raced back to the house and shouted: "Mum! There's been a terrible accident!"

"Yeah, Yeah" said his brother. "We heard all about it on my new radio." Tommy was disappointed about not being first with the news, so he left on his bike.

A while later her came across a burning orphanage. "Wow! I've got to tell Mum" he thought. So he raced home again and yelled the news to his mother, but again Timmy interrupted and said "Too late, we heard it all on my new radio."

Truly disappointed Tommy stormed off in a huff riding his bike till he was way out in the country. Then he saw a big fat pig all alone in a field and decided, since there was no one around to shag the pig. He had his first orgasm and was so excited he thought, "I got to go tell Mum!"

He raced home and yelled: "Mum, Mum! I lost my virginity!
"In a pigs arse you did!" sneered Timmy.
Tommy shook his head and groaned: "That fucking radio!"

A woman came downstairs to find the heating engineer shagging her dog. She called the police but they said there was nothing they could do because he was Corgi Registered.


Why doesn't Viagra work on Chavs?
Because they only get hard when they've got their mates with them.

Next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother attached at your shoulder is gay, but you're not. He has a date coming round tonight but you have only one arsehole...

Two lesbians were sharing a bath. One girl asked the other: "How come you have very little pubic hair on your pussy?"
Her friend replied: "Well have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road."

A bloke is sat on the end of the bed pulling off his boxers. His wife looks at him at says "Please don't do that to the dogs."

A young man confessed to his friend: "I had a wank over an ex-girlfriend last night. Yeah I know its wrong, but I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper."