Jokes

An old man and pretty young wife entered a used-car lot. The owner spotted them and went over to help them. The old man noticed that the owner couldn't take his eyes off his young wife.

So the old man proposed a wager: "I see you like the look of my pretty young wife" he said. "Well, if you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I'll pay you double for the car. If you can't, you'll give it to me for free. Is that a deal?"

Confident that he could outperform an old man, the owner agreed to the wager.

First, the old man gave his wife a kiss, and the owner did the same. Then the old man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. The owner did the same.

Finally, the old man unzipped his fly, pulled out his dick and bent it in half.

The owner said: "What colour car do you want?"

Why are hookers like bowling balls?
Both get picked up, fingered, and then banged down an alley.


As they prepared for a romantic vacation in Florida, Paddy and his wife talked about the kinky things they wanted to do to each other.
The wife said: "I've never told you about this darling, but I've always wanted to be handcuffed"
So Paddy planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"

A schoolteacher asked her class what their fathers did for a living.

John said: "My dad runs the fire station."
"Very good" replied the teacher. "Anyone else?"
"My dad runs the prison", said Jimmy.
"Excellent Jimmy, Is he the prison governor?"
"No, he's the hardest bastard in there."

What's the difference between a cow and a Beatle?
The cow hasn't been milked by Heather Mills.

In the privacy of his own home, a man put on an S&M DVD, clamped a bulldog clip to his testicles and inserted a safety pin through his foreskin. Just then the doorbell rang.
"Damn!" he thought. "Just when I've got comfortable!"

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Things Not to Say to Your Pregnant Partner

"Oh by the way I finished the last of the Chocolate cake."

"I'm not implying anything, but are you sure you haven't got quads in there."

"Looking at her, you'd never guess that supermodel in the paper had a baby. Wow! What a figure! She's a stunner!"

"You won't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment."

"I hope your thighs aren't going to stay that flabby forever. I can't be doing with a chubby wife."

"I don't know why you're making such a big fuss about all this. Millions of women give birth."

"Well, couldn't they induce labour? You know the 25th is Cup final day."

"I can't think what reminded me of it, but why don't we watch that documentary about the beached whale?"

"John at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your own Ice Cream!"

"Jeez, you're awfully puffy-looking today."

"Of course I'll be there for the birth, honey. Even if it means leaving the pub five minutes early."

"Got any milk spare? I can't be arsed to go to the local shop?"

"How about we name the baby after my secretary?"

"Hey, that rose tattoo on your hip is now the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water!"

"You know on the day they release you from hospital, have you decided yet what you're cooking for dinner that night?"

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger."