Jokes

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A bloke walks into the pub sporting a black eye. "How did you get that? asked his mate.

"I was having sex with this woman in her kitchen when we heard a key in the front day. "That's my husband" she said. "Quick try the back door."

"I know I should have left before her husband caught us, but there was no way I was going to refuse an offer like that!"

Little Jimmy's mother decided to give him an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all her clothes, pointed to her vagina and said: "See Jimmy, this is where you came from."

Jimmy went to school the next day with a big smile on his face and insisted that in future all his friends should call him Lucky Jimmy.

"Why should we call you that?" asked one of his friends.
Holding his fingers an inch apart, Jimmy replied: "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Good Reasons For Men To Be Single

You wouldn't have to explain why you're wearing "that shirt" with "those" trousers.

You could leave the toilet seat in any position you damn well please.

You could actually tell the barman: "If anyone calls I'm here."

You could be painting the town, instead of the house.

The only weeds you'd be concerned with would be the ones you're rolling.

You'd get to see what your credit cards look like.

You could fart as loudly as you want and without ever having to worry about the stench.

Going to a strip club wouldn't have to be a covert mission.

You could use your own names in hotels.

You could get home from work five minutes late without being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition.

You wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in your underwear!

The run-up to Christmas is the one time of year that you can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks in the room and not get disgusted looks.

I like to decorate the tree with the kids, but now they're getting older its harder to find branches that will support their weight.

Feeling hungry?

Paddy marches into the job centre and complains to the reception clerk:"I've been ringing 08001730 for two days now trying to get an appointment to no avail!"

"Did you call the number on our door?" the clerk asked.
"Yes" replied Paddy. "That's what I said: 08001730."
"No sir" said the clerk. "Those are our opening times."

A woman rang her husband at work and said excitedly: "Two packages arrived today. One's your Xbox and the other's that vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."

"You'll be lucky!" he replied. "I've only ordered one controller."

Have you heard about the new all-female delivery service? It's called UPMS and they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it.

What do you call a policewoman who hasn't shaved her minge for a few days? Cuntstubble.