Jokes

What do you call a hooker with two ponytails?
A blow job with handlebars.

I've just got myself one of those hand free kits. Or as most people call them "a girlfriend."

When Queen Elizabeth gave birth, they fired a twenty-one gun salute.
When Sister Agnes at the convent gave birth, they fired a dirty old cannon.

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of huge contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed.
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him, and never come back,
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in leather, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny.

Chinese Phrasebook

Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation meeting.

Chin Tu Fat - You need a facelift.

Dum Gai - A stupid Person.

Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention.

Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?

Kum Hia - Approach me.

Lao Ze Sho - Emmerdale

Lao Zi - Not very good.

Lin Ching - An illegal execution.

Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the US space programme.

Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs.

Shai Gai - A bashful person.

Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant.

Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people.

Wan Bum Lung - A person with TB

Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning the car.

Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity.

Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

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Teacher: “Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand.”
Johnny: “My penis in your hand.”
Teacher: “What?”
Johnny: “Sorry ma’am, I forgot to put a space between pen is.”

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A Pastor rears chicken in the church premises.
One evening a cock went missing.
In Church the next day, Pastor asked – “who has a cock?” All the men stood up.
He said – “No, I mean who has seen a cock?” All the women got up”
Pastor- “No, no I meant who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”
Half of the women got up
He said “Oh for goodness sake I mean!! Who has seen my cock?”
All the choir boys got up. The pastors wife fainted.

Two police officers knocked on the door of a mans house. "Is this your wife?" they asked, holding up a photo.
"Yes" replied the man.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" they said.
"Well yes, I'll give you that" said the man, "but she's got a lovely personality."

A young lady to her friends: "You know I have never been kissed by any man except my husband."
One friend: "Are you boasting or complaining?"

Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

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Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

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My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on Y**Porn, it's called Buffering.

If there is anyone technically proficient out there can they tell me how to set my laser printer to stun.