Jokes

What's got two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.

Show me where Stalin is buried and i'll show you a communist plot.

Why should you never date a tennis player?
'Because love means nothing to em

Under a new scheme, prisoners are repairing broken letters on shop signs. The government hopes it will deliver reformed characters.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness
There are nomad people there.

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

If you hate when people pull up next to you at a red light, staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.

Maybe it’s Maybelline, but what if it isn’t? People shouldn’t just MAKEUP these insinuations.

“I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.

Two muffins in the oven, one shouts to the other, "Argh! I'm burning!" and the other shouts, "Argh! A talking muffin!"

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Man walks into a bar.




Ouch.

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What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

^ You'd be waiting a long time for the bus if it's late at night!

Who was the leading Ice-cream manufacturer in Biblical Times?
Walls of Jericho.

Why is parsley like pubic hair?
You push it aside and keep eating.

Why are men like chocolate bars?
They're sweet, smooth and head straight for your hips.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

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Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

David Beckham was flying out to the Beijing Olympics. A reporter asked him whether he was taking chopsticks. David replied:
"No, she staying at home with the kids."

A blonde was asked if she wanted molasses in a restaurant. She declined, saying that she wouldn't eat any part of a mole.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He fancied a balanced meal.

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."