Jokes

How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?
Phone her up and tell her about it!
__________________________________________________________
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.
I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said, "Whatever means necessary."
"No it doesn't," I said.
___________________________________________________________
A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said.

"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
__________________________________________________________
I ran into my old girlfriend yesterday, and I backed up and ran into her again.

I miss her sometimes.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly a genie emerged from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant' unworthy daughter of a dog!" snarled Bin Laden. "Don't you know who I am! I don't need any common woman giving me anything!"

The shocked genie said: "Please, I must grant you a wish or I shall be returned to the bottle forever."

Bin Laden thought for a moment, grumbled about the impertinence of women, and then thought of a suitably twisted fantasy which would keep the genie happy.

"Very well then. I want to wake up tomorrow morning with three American women in my bed. Now do it, and be off with you!"

Irritated by his attitude, the genie said, "So be it!" and vanished.

The next morning , Bin Laden woke in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

A new club has opened offering as much as you can drink all night for just under £20. So tonight I'm going to Party like its £19.99.

What's the difference between an Essex girl and an empty crisp bag?
You only get one bang out of an empty crisp bag.

There once was a barmaid named Gail
On whose breasts were the prices for ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The bar snacks were printed in braille.


There was a young maid from Madrid
Who would open her legs for a quid
But a handsome Italian
With balls like a stallion
Said he'd do it for nothing, and did.

I was playing football, I was telling jokes near the goal, it was a pun-alty!

I have a joke about boxing but I keep messing up the hit-line...punch-line!

I took my racing snails shell off to make him faster but if anything he appears more sluggish!

What are the two things that a woman should never do in bed?
Point and Laugh.

A drunk driver was pulled over by a traffic cop. Smelling his breath, the cop said: "You're drunk!" "Thank god for that" the drunk replied. "I thought the steering had gone."

A blind date is when you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be sight.