Jokes

An elderly couple are driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your licence, please?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENCE." The woman gives him her licence.

The patrolman looks at the licence and says "I see you're from Coventry. I spent some time there once, had the worst night with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say? "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU". the old man yells.

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. you may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?

An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the customs, he fumbles for his passport.

"You have been to France before monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The elderly man admitted he had.

"Zen, you should know enough to ave your passport ready for inspection."

"The last time I was in France, I didn't have to show a passport" the man replied.

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

It was two o' clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

A man is walking through the streets of Bangkok when a small girl approaches him for sex.
"No" he said. "You're far too young"
The girl said, "How do you know my name?"


Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage. the "y" becomes silent.

Calling In Sick

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

Two male friends meet up in a bar. "You're looking well pleased with yourself" said the first one.

"Yes" the other replied. "I had one of the best nights of my life last night - and it was with my ex-wife."

"Really? The woman who left you penniless after running off with another man? How come?"

"Well I read on the Internet that a restricted air supply can heighten your sexual enjoyment, so I thought I'd give it a try. And it's true. Seeing her face turn purple gave me a real buzz."