Jokes

Having the flu:

The only time you can keep a box of tissues next to your bed without people getting suspicious.

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.  
After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. 
She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. 
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.  
She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come fuck me voice says ‘Honey, would you like some of this?’   
The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, ‘HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear.’

A lyric in a lady gaga song, "i wont tell you that i love you because im bluffin with my muffin"

I personally think she's bluffin about havin a muffin.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I watched X-Factor last night and was asking myself the same question I'm sure most of you were asking.

What time does Babestation start?

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

Men don't mind if they spend two hours searching for a golf ball

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?

Nice dick!

What’s the difference between your wages and your cock?

You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your wages!

A girl walks in to find her boyfriend blowdrying his cock.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she asks.
He replys "Warming your dinner you ungrateful cow!"