Jokes

Two pirates are talking to each other.
"I like your earrings, how much did they cost?" asks the first one.
"Only a couple of bucks" the second replies.
"You can't go wrong with that for a buccaneer" replies the first.

Did you hear about the woman who could only compose music in 3/4 time? She had waltz timer's disease.

A farmer is driving his 8 year old daughter down the road to go to lunch. As he nears a couple on the side of the road, he notices they are arguing and watches in horror as the wife cuts off her man's penis and throws it into the traffic.

The penis hits the windshield of the farmer's truck. Not knowing how to react, he says nothing. Just then, his daughter says, "Daddy, what was that that hit the window?"

Without missing a beat, the farmer replies, "Oh honey, that was just a fly..."

His daughter then exclaims, "Well that fly had the biggest dick I ever saw!!!!!!"

Two lesbians walk into a house of ill-repute. They ask for the youngest woman they have on their books.

The madam says she that she will not allow the youngest woman to spend any time with them whatsoever.

The lesbians make their demand once again. "We want the youngest woman in here!"

The madam replies: "Go to hell, I don't serve minors to lickers!"

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

A class was given a homework assignment. They had to write an essay on what they would do if they had won a fortune on the lottery.

The next day, while the homework was being handed in a lad gave the teacher a blank piece of paper.

"What's this?" asked the teacher. "Your essay was meant to say what you would do if you won the lottery."

"It explains exactly" he replied. "I'd do absolutely fuck all."

Socrates was highly praised in ancient Greece for his great wisdom.
One day a friend ran up to him excitedly and said: "Socrates, guess what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Stop right there" Socrates replied. "Before you tell me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That is correct" Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

His friend pondered, then shook his head. "No" he replied, "actually I just heard about it from someone else."

"All right, so you don't really know if its true or not. Now let's try the second test, the Test of Goodness. Is what you're about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary -"

"So, you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" His friend shrugged, embarrassed.

"You may still pass the third test- the Test of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of any use to me?"

"No, not really"

"Well" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The friend was ashamed and said nothing more.

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

On a visit to London, an Australian applied for a job as a royal footman and managed to get an interview.

Armed with his references from his previous job, he went along to the interview, where he was asked to drop his trousers.

Seeing the Australian's puzzled expression, the interviewer explained: "Don't worry, it's merely a formality. You see, footmen are often required to wear kilts when accompanying the Queen to Balmoral, so we like to examine the knees of applicants to check for any unsightly scars."

The Aussie duly dropped his trousers to allow his knees to be inspected. "Excellent" said the interviewer. "Now could you show me your testimonials?"

Thirty seconds later, the Aussie found himself lying in the corridor nursing a black eye.

"Strewth" he said, picking himself up and dusting himself down. "I reckon I'd have got that job if I'd known the lingo a little better."

Help - song

(Sung to the tune of 'Help!' by The Beatles)

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. End users called me up to tell me what was wrong, And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down! And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round! Should it make that awful grinding sound? Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways, I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA. But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams, I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down! I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound! All my data's one big steaming mound! Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. But now I wish that I could travel back in time, I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down! Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds! Lost my pictures filled with women bound! HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! Oooooooo...."

A techno-geek was working late at the office when his friend dropped by to see him.

"How you doing, buddy? asked the friend.
"I'm good. Did you see my new secretary on the way in?"
"Yeah, she's gorgeous. How did you persuade her to work late?"
"Easy, and I'm glad you like her, because - believe it or not - she's a robot! She does everything I tell her."
"A robot?, No way!"

"She's the latest model from Japan. If you squeeze her left boob, she takes dictation, if you squeeze her right boob, she takes a letter. And that's not all - she can have sex too!"

"You're joking, right?"

"No, she's something else, I tell you! Why don't you borrow her for ten minutes or so while I finish off a few things here?"

His friend took the robot secretary into the toilets. At first there was silence but after a couple of minutes his friend was letting out terrible screams.

"Damn it!" the geek thought. "I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

My Computer Crashed And Died Today - poem

My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, "oh well what the hey"
Now I'd have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse

It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL

Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail

Then I remembered the Good Guy's Store
And all those computers by the door
I'd go there and when alone
With no one looking I'd sign-on

I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound

Then I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye"
And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix

I ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...I... stood....and...waited
The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real frustrated
That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking scream

When I woke I was handcuffed being booked
I think I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink
Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.