Jokes

Some Engineering Terms

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

CLOSE PROJECT CO-ORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It sometimes works ok, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered whenever.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - It blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing has left.

ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

A bloke goes down on his girlfriend without realising she was on her period. As you can imagine he was left very red in the face!.

My friends wife eats that much I call her Jaws.
Soon she's gonna need a bigger coat.

Two cows were chatting in a field:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you!"
"It's true, no bull."

Ten phrases from cowboy movies ruined by Brokeback Mountain

"I'm gonna pump you full of lead!"

"Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

"Don't fret - I've been in tight spots before."

"Howdy, pardner."

"You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

"Two words: saddle sore.

"Hold it right there! Now move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

"Let's mount up!"

"Nice spread ya got there!"

"Ride 'em cowboy!"

Rude Golf Phrases

"Look at the size of his putter."

"Oh, shit, my shaft's all bent."

"After 18 holes, I can barely walk."

"My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip."

"Lift your head and spread your legs."

"You have a nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

"Hold up. I've got to wash my balls."

"Damn, I missed the hole again!"

Winters were fierce in Scotland, so the owner of a large estate felt she was doing a good deed when she bought her gamekeeper a pair of earmuffs to keep out the bitter chill.

About a week later, she noticed he wasn't wearing them, the wind was howling, and it was just beginning to snow.

She opened the door, and shouted him inside. "Hamish, where are your earmuffs on a day like this" she asked.

"Well ma'am, I wore them for a few days, and then my best friend stopped by and offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

Men Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is gender exploitation. If you have the same, you should get off your arse and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity..

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't you're an insensitive idiot.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you appreciate the female form and sexy lingerie, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't you're a slob.

If she has an headache, she's tired. If you have an headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

When woman decline a date, what they really mean is:

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of the banjo-playing weirdo in Deliverance)

There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're one Jurassic geezer.)

I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)

My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)

I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone)

I don't date men where I work. (Hey, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring as my job has got to be better than dating you.)

I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)

Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)

Army recruitment guidelines:

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.


If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in the Royal Engineers.

If they are screaming and waving their arms around, send them off to the PT corps.

If they are talking to the chairs, send them to the Royal Corps of Signals.

If they are sleeping, they are officer material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the SAS.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to MOD Police.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to the Intelligence Corps.

And if they try to leave early, tell them where the RAF office is.

Q. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 20. 1 to screw it in and the other 19 to form a support group.