Jokes

To prevent rude names being given to racehorses, a committee was set up to vet all new ones. One of the first names to be rejected was "Norfolk And Chance."

Quasimodo walks into a gentleman's outfitters and says:
"Have you got an off-the-peg suit that will fit me?"
The manager replies: "If we do, our tailor's getting the sack."

A short fat woman goes to a hospital emergency room to have her gashed hand bandaged. The Nurse asks for some details:
"Your height and weight please?" she asks.
"I'm 5ft 8" and 125 pounds" she replies.
The nurse looks at her and says: "I'm sorry miss, but this is a hospital, not an internet dating site.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

A cold-caller from a double glazing company phoned a mans home one evening.

"Hello sir, this is Superseal Double Glazing" he began. "I was just wondering if you might be interested in-"

"Hold it right there" said the man. "Before you start your sales pitch, can I ask you a question?"

"Uh, okay"

"What has a one inch dick and hangs down.?"

"I don't know" said the salesman.

"A bat. And what has a seven inch dick and hangs up?"

The man slammed the phone down before the salesman could answer.

A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers. One biker has his index finger up the backside of the other.

"What the heck are you boys doing?" asks the cop.

"My buddy here's choking" says the biker with his finger up. "I'm trying to get him to throw up."

"You're meant to stick your finger down his throat, not up his ass" the cop replied.

"Yeah I know that, but you get better results if you stick it up his ass first."

Stuck in the wilds of Canada, a lumberjack became restless, frustrated and bored. "Are there any women around here?" he asked the foreman.

"No" he replied, "but if it's excitement you're after, there's an old guy named Harold who lives in a cabin a mile down the track. If you don't mind spending a bit of money, Harold will show you the time of your life."

The lumberjack was appalled at the prospect. "No way" he said. "I don't do that kind of stuff."

Six months on, and the lumberjack was more frustrated and bored than ever. He was desperate for sex. So he decided to ask the foreman about Harold again.

"This guy Harold - how much will it cost?"

"Five hundred dollars" said the foreman.

"That's a hell of a lot of money. Why so much?"

"Well" said the foreman. "there's 200 dollars for Harold, and 100 dollars apiece for the three guys who have to hold Harold down. You see, old Harold don't go for that kinda stuff either...."

Thrown into prison, a stockbroker was nervous when he discovered that his cellmate was a huge bearded guy with a tattoo covered body and a big scar down his cheek.

They passed pleasantry's, and sensing the newcomer's unease, the big guy said: "Don't worry, I'm in here for white-collar crime too."

The stockbroker let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I'm really glad to hear that" he said. "I was dreading being locked up with some homicidal maniac. I was convicted of fraud and insider-trading. So what's your white-collar crime?"

The big guy replied: "I murdered three priests."

Things a man shouldn't say to a woman during sex

"Oops! It seems to have come off."

"If you come quick, I can catch the match on TV."

"You're better than your mother."

"Do you accept Visa?."

"Did I mention the video camera?"

"Sorry about that - must be the baked beans."

"Try not to leave any stains, OK?"

"This would be fun with a few more people."

"It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate."

"I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs."

"And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend."

"Hurry up, this room rents by the hour."

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.

Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?

That was a great fart! Do another one!

You're so sexy with a hangover.

Let's start subscribing to Penthouse

Just for a change, can we try anal sex tonight?

I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?

Anywhere you like, it's really good for my skin.

I'm wrong, you must be right again.

A vain young guy out on the pull had just ordered a drink at a bar when two girls walked in. Fancying them both, he invited them to sit with him.

He bought them drinks, but when they went to the toilet together, the barman warned him that they were lesbians.

The guy was so convinced that he was irresistible to all woman that he continued to ply them with drinks and besiege them with corny chat-up lines. He was sure he was in with a chance.

Eventually one of the girls, went off to get some cigarettes and while she was gone, she whispered to the guy: "Do you fancy my friend?"

"Not half" he replied

"Would you like to smell her pussy?"

"You bet I would!"

So she breathed on him.