Jokes

A guy was desperate to have sex with a girl from the office, but she was already engaged to someone else. One day he became so frustrated by her unavailability that after a few drinks he issued her with a lewd proposition. "Have sex with me, and I'll pay you £200."

"No way", she said. "What sort of girl do you think I am?"

"Listen" he persisted, "it will all be over before you know it. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."

She began to waver - if only because £200 would help towards the wedding costs - but said she would have to consult her boyfriend first.

So she called her boyfriend, told him about the offer, and asked him what he thought.

To her surprise, her boyfriend said: "It sounds like easy money. All you have to do is ask him for the £200, then pick it up as fast as you can. He won't even have time to get his pants down."

She agreed that it sounded foolproof and accepted the guys proposal.

The boyfriend then waited anxiously for her to call back when it was all over. Half an hour passed, but there was no news. Finally after three-quarters of an hour he rang her and asked: "How did it go babe?"

She tearfully replied: "The bastard used pennies."

Real Life Speeding Excuses

My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal.

I needed to get to the gas station before the fuel ran out.

I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car.

I'm a member of the Royal Family.

I was hurrying to the gas station before they ran out of free glasses.

Thank heavens, officer. I thought the blue light chasing me was a UFO.

I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward.

An elderly couple who still enjoyed an active sex life were shocked when the woman discovered that she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

Her doctor told her that she had to avoid stress, eat the right foods and never, ever have sex again because the strain would be too much for her weak heart. Reluctantly the couple agreed to abide by these rules.

However, both got so horny over time that eventually to guard against temptation, the husband decided he had better sleep downstairs on the couch.

That just about worked for a few weeks until, late one night, they met each other on the stairs. She was going down, and he was heading up.

"Honey I have a confession to make" said the woman, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it sweetie", he replied, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you."

A woman applied for lottery grant for herself and her male fiends to form a Dusty Springfield tribute act.

Only one of the group of friends was allocated some money, and that was because his dad worked for Dominoes Pizza.

Which proved: "The only man who got the funding, was the son of a Pizza Man."


A blokes wife inherited a cow from her late grandfather, and didn't know what to do with it. She asked her husband for advice, and he replied : "If I were you I'd milk it for all its worth."

The Apostles were doing their spring cleaning, and Thomas was having a real good moan.

"I really don't think this is fair at all" he said. "Why do we have to do all the cleaning while Jesus is out preaching in the sunshine?"

"Thomas, that's blasphemy" Peter replied. "Our Lord and Saviour has done his part too."

"Oh really? " Thomas replied. "And what did he do that was so helpful."

Peter replied: "Jesus swept."

Little Johny GoDeeper entered his 2nd grade glass room and was confronted with the hottest woman he had ever seen.

After the rest of the class came in, she introduced herself as Miss Lily, and she was going to be subsituting that day.

After school he stayed behind to talk to her.

"Miss Lily, will you take off you're clothes?" he asked

"No." she replied.

"If you don't I'll tell my sister, my sister will tell my brother, my brother will tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad and he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Alright."

Miss Lily took off her clothes.

"Miss Lily, will you lay on the desk?" asked Johny.

"No."

"If you dont I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Ok."

She layed on the desk.

"Miss Lily, can I have sex with you?" he asked.

"No."

"If you dont let me I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."

"Ok."

So Little Johny started to have sex with her. Then the principal walked in.

"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he screamed.

Then his dad walked in.

"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he yelled.

Then his mom walked in.

"Johny GoDeeper!!" she yelled.

Then his brother walked in.

"Johny GoDeeper, duuude!" he said amazed.

Then his sister walked in.

"Johny GoDepper." she said disgusted.

"I can't. I'm stuck." said Little Johny GoDeeper.

My uncle smuggled board games for the Germans during the war.
He was sentenced to death for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.

Just seen Mike Tyson, Will Young, and Daffy Duck walking down the street. Looks like the start of the Apocalisp.

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in 1940? "Table for 200,000, m'sieur."

A gardener managed to give himself a hernia lifting his huge champion marrow. Now he's switched to pumpkins and has developed two new strains.

It's a fact that more money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer research.this means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

A man books into a small hotel, but finds that every room is taken.
"I have one bed left" says the manager. "It's a twin bedroom and the guy who's in there has agreed to share. There's only one problem, this guy snores like a warthog with adenoids. I've got to warn you that you probably won't get a wink of sleep."

The man isn't worried, he takes his keys and finds his room.

Next day at breakfast, the manager sees the man looking bright and breezy eating his toast, while his snoring room-mate has large bags under his eyes and looks a wreck.

The Manager goes up to the man and asks:" How did you get on last night"

"I was fine" he didn't make a sound"

"What did you do? The manager asked, "Stuff his nose with cotton wool?"

"No" said the man. "When I went into the room, I kissed him on the cheek and said "Goodnight darling." He stayed up all night watching me.

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."