Jokes

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

A young Salvation Army woman was walking round a pub in Scotland shaking her collection tin.

She approached the pubs resident old timer Jock sat at the bar, and asked him to give a pound for the Lord.

"How old are ye, lass?" asked Jock.

"I'm Twenty" she replied.

"Well I'm 82 and I'll be seeing the Lord afore you, so I'll give him the pound meself lassie."

A man arrived home from the pub to find his wife in bed crying.

"What's the matter darling?" he asked.

"We've had a burglar", she sobbed.

"Did he get anything?" he asked.

"Too right he did!" she wailed. "I thought it was you home early!"


Police informant: "I think I know who threw that Scrabble set into the road?"

Cop: "You do huh. So what's the word on the street?"

Apparently a fifth of British Men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

There's a new Elbow tribute band called Arse. They're so good you can't tell them apart.

What happened when the Native American Indian decided to return to his first wife? It was back to Squaw one.

What happens when a psychiatrist spends the night with a hooker?
In the morning each of them says: "That'll be $400 please."

Pete had been propping up the bar for six hours when he happened to mention that his girlfriend was outside in the car.

As it was a bitterly cold night, the bartender thought he had better make sure that she was all right.

He went outside, peered in the car, and saw his drinking buddy Kev screwing the girlfriend on the back seat.

Unsure how to handle the situation, the bartender went back in and simply told Pete that it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

Pete staggered outside into the car park, saw Kev and his girlfriend humping away, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked the bartender.

Pete replied: "That idiot Kev - he's so bloody drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked"

Fart Names


Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...

Gravy Pants

Firing Scud Missiles

Turd Honking

Mud Duck

Panty Burps

Pant Stainers

Cut the Cheese

Trouser Cough

K-Fart

Crack Splitters

Turd Tooties

Anal Audio

Great Brown Cloud

Exercising the meat nozzle

The condition of a man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he was being considered for release.

"Tell me," asked the doctor, "if we release you - and all the reports indicate that you are now completely sane - what do you intend to do with your life?"

The man replied: "It would be wonderful to return to leading a normal life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making the same mistakes as before. I was a nuclear physicist you know, and it was the stress of my work that helped put me in here. If I am released I shall confine my work purely to theory, making the situation less stressful."

"Excellent" said the doctor.

"Or alternatively", he continued, "I might teach. There is a lot to be said for devoting one's energies to bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely" echoed the doctor enthusiastically.

"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science that can be understood by ordinary members of the public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility" agreed the doctor.

"Or, if none of those things appeal to me, I can always carry on my life as a teapot."

A couple blonde jokes

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A .. Frosted Flakes.

Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A .. There is a stamp on it.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A .. Flattered.

Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
A .. You don't. They're born that way.

A school teacher asked her class of young children to name one thing they needed at home but didn't have yet.

"Jimmy, what about you?" she asked.
"A Nintendo Wii"
"Very good Jimmy. How about you, Anna?"
"A Huge 3D TV"
"That sounds nice Anna. Thomas?
Thomas remained silent.
"Surely there must be something you can think of Thomas?"
"No, nothing."
"Really, Thomas? You do surprise me."
"I know it's true for a fact" insisted Thomas. "Because last week my dad came home drunk, was sick all over the carpet, and my mom said it was the last thing we needed.