Jokes

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."


A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

The Devil actually wears a wig!. It has been a closely guarded secret for years and even some of those closest to him had no idea because it is a such a remarkably good fit.

But down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out and decided to play a practical joke. So one night he sneaked past the guardian demons, crept into Satan's bed chamber, stole the hairpiece and made good his escape.

When the Devil discovered that his wig had vanished, he was furious.
He immediately summoned his demons to know which of them had allowed an outsider to break into the Satanic sleeping quarters. Nobody owned up, which made him madder still.

So he called a general meeting of the underworld, ordering everyone to attend. As the Devil stepped up to speak, there were stifled giggles from the crowd, which then turned to laughter.

"Be quiet!" roared the Devil. A deathly silence descended. "Whoever stole it, bellowed the Devil. jabbing his finger angrily, "had better return it at once. ! and here he paused for effect... Or else they'll be Hell toupee.!

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says,
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

What's the difference between a chiropodist and a drummer?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet.

A woman was found walking down the high street completely naked apart from contact lenses stuck over each nipple.
She was arrested by police for making a spectacle of herself.

Chinese Scientists have discovered the rare Rock n Roll Panda.
It will only eat A Wop Bop a Loo Bop a Lop Bamboo.

Epitaph for Liberace: great on the piano, but he sucked on the organ.

There was young man who came in to class.

"Where have you been?" Asked the teacher

"My apologies ma'am, I was on cherry hill." Replied the student laughing.

Moments later two other young men enter the classroom.

"Where have you gentlemen been? Class started half an hour ago."
"Our apologies ma'am, we were on cherry hill" replied the two boys also laughing.

"Very well, be seated." Said the teacher.

20 minutes goes by yet another young man enters the room.

Before the teacher could ask he apologizes and with a smirk on his face says he was on cherry hill and takes his seat.

Aggravated the teacher continues her lesson when a young lady enters the room.

"And where have you been young lady?" Asked the teacher. "Let me guess, on cherry hill???"

"No." Said the girl, "I am cherry hill."

A man goes to the doctors with a bowel problem and is prescribed a course of suppositories.

The doctor inserts the first suppository, then sends the man home to continue the course of treatment - one suppository every six hours.

The time comes for the next suppository, and the man tries to stick it up his arse. It's very tricky, so he calls his wife to help.

She grabs hold of his arm to keep him steady and pushes it inside using an index finger.

Suddenly he lets out a yelp. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I push too hard?"

"No" he replies. "I've just realised something; when the doctor did it, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

Little Jimmy passes his parents bedroom in the middle of the night.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act.

Before his dad can react, little Jimmy shouts, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Dad, relieved that Jimmy's not asking uncomfortable questions, agrees. Jimmy hops on and dad gets back into the rhythm.

Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Jimmy cries out:
"Hang on Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

My mate so stupid, he got caught drunk-driving at the bumper cars.

SIGNS YOU HAVE A HANGOVER

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

The next person who says “It's not the heat, it's the humidity", will soon learn that it's not the fist, it's the impact!

Real men don't wear pink, they eat it

What's the difference between mad cows disease and PMT?
Nothing

You give someone the most sincere comment on their lovely moustache and suddenly she is no longer your friend

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine obviously has never fucking had broken ribs!

Last night while sat in the living room I said to my wife I never want to end up in a vegative state, solely dependent on machines and bottled fluids. She got up unplugged the tv and threw my bottle of beer out. Bitch.